Restless

One of those nights, as mentioned on twitter. Time to do the only thing I know how to do when this happens and turn on Pink Floyd and write.

So, car "accident" today. Alex mentioned earlier and I have to echo it: Claire making it sound like she got into an accident isn't quite accurate. She got hit by someone, which yes, constitutes the grounds for calling it an accident, but she had nothing to do with it except being there. There was nothing she could have done to change it, and it isn't even close to her fault, so when she feels bad for having gotten into it... It's not quite right.

I wondered a lot in the past about timing being able to change everything. In driving class our instructor, the Mason Lich, emphasized how one second can save a life. You know what I mean, it's that "If only I'd stopped to tie my shoe/check my watch/grab my phone/wait for commercial" second of hesitation that could have entirely changed the day. The Flyers game got switched to at lunch and I almost wanted to ask if we could wait out the last two minutes to see it through. I didn't, I didn't even mention it. I wonder why that is, because I'm usually a baby when it comes to my sports teams. Or anything, really.

I thought about going back for another helping at lunch and didn't. I thought about asking for another drink. I didn't. I didn't put on socks today and thought about it. I didn't shower, I didn't change my shirt, I didn't do a lot of tiny things I'd either thought about or thought twice about.

I don't know, I don't feel responsible or anything. I just feel like any one of those things could have changed the day, saved money, prevented the concussion, stopped the damage. They would have, as far as I know. Maybe some things like that can't be prevented. Maybe if I'd've delayed us at all something worse would have been waiting. Maybe if it wasn't us it was someone else. Maybe they would have been less responsive and slammed into the dumb bitch at forty. Maybe whoever was behind them would have crashed into them, too. Maybe it would have been much, much worse.

I know it isn't a valid worry, but I can't shake it. The thought hangs on me, what if I'd done anything different today? Like tied my shoes instead of shoving the laces down into my heel? So many little options, all denied, that would have sufficed to remove the incident entirely. Maybe. Probably.

I'm leery, and I don't quite feel ready for sleep despite the time. I know I should, but brain won't stop.

Deadline was five hours ago now, three if we're arguing timezones. As much as I know, nothing's changed. I don't know how to feel about that, really.

On one hand, dead weight, drama-free, etc etc etc generic bile I'm keen to spew in these situations. On the other, wow, really? That's it, then? I'm not really sad about it, I guess, since my default mechanism is to replace "sad" with "angry" on a 1:1 basis, but I know the exchange is happening.

I thought we were worth more. I'm not doubting my own self-worth, or the shell's. Nothing so silly. Just a little upset that someone can throw us out. The word "respect" got brought up a lot, and I don't know how to really quantify the feelings. I'd liken it to a little brother who you can get mad at but is still family, you know? My brothers are both fuck-ups in their own ways, hell, I am too, but we're still brothers. I might go through my cycles of hating their mistakes, but it isn't ever the person. I think. I don't know, Eclipse makes me sentimental, I guess.

My little brother's trial is in a month. He's worried about it, and I guess I sort of am, too? Years are being talked about, decades. That's a long time. Again, a second can change lives. If there'd been a single interference to make the situation be called into doubt, things might have been entirely different.

I'd like to get up there to visit sometime before then, but I'm not sure if that's even really possible. Schedules, money, plans, goals, so many things that need to align properly or come into existence. I don't know if I can do it. I'd like to, but jesus. I don't know.

I guess I wasn't just tuned out tonight like I'd said earlier. There's a lot on my mind apparently, running in the background that I didn't know about, or know I knew about.

The wind has been really loud here the past few days. Even now it has that constant whoosh against the house. It sounds weird with the train whistle in the distance; this is not what a train sounds like.

Also, eighties' music videos are fucking weird with no sound.

I keep getting distracted and not writing, not that you can see the pauses. Last three "paragraphs" took fifteen or so minutes.

Mai and I are close to finishing stage one. It's close, encouragingly so. Good thing, too, because I'm getting tired of seeing other people idling near Horst with my hammer. I think we're up to something like five perma-AFK warriors standing around seemingly-twentyfour-seven.

Also, I'm fucking kicking myself for real, now, because the fucking cerb claws stack to 12. I could have kept them all for minimal inventory loss.

God fucking damn it.

This makes edit number four.

I made the mistake of checking an Ukon advice thread on the AH website, wherein someone mentions that they five-hit with /nin because they can't remember the last time they were able to go somewhere /sam.

I have a number of issues with this, but I'll cut to the ego-stroking one: I don't understand how people are able to get Empyreal weapons without having the gear or support to wield it properly. Call me spoiled, but being able to "five-hit" /nin means you are getting WAY too many ticks in because you lack meaningful haste. Even better, in what dimension does war/nin still have a use? Anything that requires shadows is especially to big for a WAR to try to blink tank, Seigan/Third Eye provides better protection against more things with the obvious DD benefits.

I hate most of the XI community, and I now understand why BG is what the stereotype entails. Death awaits, worms.