Plagues

I wonder sometimes if I am overly caustic. I won't be as dramatic to say grandiose things but I do think about how things would be different if I weren't as combative, or even present. People are always moving and in flux and spinning and bouncing off of each other, and as such we are all catalysts to each other. I wonder about my own place in that regard, though.

I read some things tonight that took place in and around a bunch of the noise that's been happening lately. In it, there was a statement that this sort of drama is more than was ever asked for, or wanted. I wonder how much of that is on account of me. Typical leo behavior, of course.

I'm split. Part of me feels that yes, perhaps I have been too harsh myself, maybe I've been too aggressive and it has caused friction. A different part of me, and I know which it is, feels that maybe all of this is deserved. I know a thing or six about masks and performance, and maybe this is the part of the show where all the pins get dropped and none of the popsicle sticks do what they're supposed to. Is it my place to backpedal, then? Does that make me no different than what I wrote about last? Or am I supposed to stick to me guns and grind feelings and emotions beneath my treads? Weakness is weakness. Compassion is different, but the line is very thin. Especially in a case where it's possible to pinch-hit and then be thrown out by your own runner.

I've got questions left unanswered but I wonder if they're best left unasked. I don't really care, anyway; Deep down this is just noise, propped up to look pressing and important. The biggest repercussion would never be felt on my end, even if I helped handle it. I've got very specific and almost mercenary handles on what I consider worth caring about and what's something to be forgotten. I don't care where gimp two-handed frosts end up, per se. At least, not without a plan.

Things come and go. It isn't my responsibility to manage them. I just process the paperwork when they arrive and depart. I don't know what comes next, but at this hour, in this mood, with this mentality, I don't care. Present papers. Apply stamp. Welcome aboard. Good riddance. No point wasting time on what-ifs and could-have-beens.

Then again, that's what got me writing this in the first place.
**
There's been a lot of back and forth lately about bad guys. I consider myself something of the resident lightning rod for that sort of thing; I'd like to think I play a pretty good villain and when there is confrontation, I'd like to believe I'm the best equipped to handle the bullshit that comes from the ins and outs of hostile environments. I spent years doing it, after all. Important, developmental years even. To say that I am a drama processing plant is not inaccurate.

I don't mind it. I kind of enjoy it, really. I get to indulge my dramatics while also keeping the people important to me out of emotional harm's way. When someone needs to be That Guy and say the things that piss people off, I volunteer. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, to be quite honest.

I guess in a roundabout sort of way, I'm content with whatever happens as long as my core world doesn't change. People I've never met want to cast judgement? Fine by me. People I know want to flake out? That's okay, too. I am unmoved by these things. I embrace them. They feed the parts that go hungry sometimes.

Tell me; Before this moment, have I ever really seen the world?