Delicious Tool

Double entendre I'll take it if it exists. Link to twitter rage should look down a post, context on where my head was for this should look at the post below that one.

I guess I'm nostalgic? I don't miss Quetz for a moment but I can't help but be curious about what's going on there. I want to see how Kaizen's failing, if they're failing, I want to know if Nickdwizard still plays and fulltimes relic. I want to know how badly Midgard is stomping the competition. I want to see what the situation is! But I'm on another server now, without any real way of knowing without gossip. That'll do, but my curiosity stalks my mind sometimes.

I guess we're all sometimes stricken by out past? That's what makes us who we are, right? To paraphrase GI quoting Bioshock's quote of Andrew Ryan, "We all makes choices, but in the end it is our choices who make us." I wonder what the world would look like for me if I turned down moving, or resisted enough to remain there. Or if I was never in Gustaberg (S) that day. Lots of little things that change the flow of where we're supposed to be.

Would it be better? Far, far worse? How could my relationships with my family have changed? Friendships? Everything else? I suspect it would be drastically removed from my life now, wherein my biggest worries are work and dedication to my shell instead of dinner or how long I have before I need to suck it up and crawl back to my folks to do laundry.

I was thinking about my parents' neighborhood last night and realized I don't remember all the streets anymore. I know mine, and Devereux, and Walker, Montague. I remember the avenues, I remember the main arteries of the neighborhood. But the ones I never lived on, or had friends live on? They fade. Slip away. I don't need them anymore, but I'm not sure exactly what to make of it.

I didn't know most of the streets in my neighborhood for years, probably going into high school. I always knew location, didn't need to know name. I don't know most of the streets where I live now. Just know where things are, and how to get to them. Not sure what to make of that, either.

I'm wondering if/when I'm going back. It would be interesting, I know people want to see me but if I don't go alone I'm not sure how the dynamic would be different. For sure Rob and Claire never got along, and I never quite sussed out how anyone except Kev felt about her. Rob was telling me to stop being a lazy and take a train up there. Which I guess would be possible, but I like my home and don't want to necessarily be away from it for long, and if I took a train there I wouldn't want to only spend an afternoon. I don't know, things to think about and delay about. I can't afford to travel, and in no way is this a hint for you to feel bad or like you're blocking me, future!Claire. That isn't the case, so right out with it.

:<

I think music can greatly alter a tone or mood. Know it can, really. I haven't been listening to music at night much, and not surprisingly I haven't been writing. I'm kind of relaxed now, even though the bullshit earlier sits ugly in my stomach. Parts of me still hunger, but its been a while. Maybe that explains my short temper and quick-to-flash-angrytude. I don't know. Sometimes its good to bloodlet a little. The problem with it is that there's always the chance these things reflect, and I can't have that.

I wonder if life wasn't carbon based but digital if I would have found myself living as a serial killer or something. It's just trash data, no need to worry. No one will miss it. It deserved it. Etcetera.

Draft autosaved at 4:31 AM. Jesus, when did it get to be that late? I haven't been doing anything for an hour or more. I lost track. I'm not sure I could sleep now if I wanted to, whatwith my brain being awake.

I think I need to destroy something. I wish she'd just defy the wyrm already, so I could make her cry like I was promised.

Amusingly, Jaise has the title Ultimate Champion of the World. I guess any gimp really CAN get a Maat's Cap.

Now, the question I must endure while trying to go to sleep: Am I pushing for Empousa tomorrow/today because I feel I've earned it, or just because I can? It isn't like I wait for someone else to have gotten something for me to push for what I want. VNMs and day sessions shouldn't matter, right? At what point am I the people I hate?