Unrelated to my thoughts, I'm amused when I go to sign into this and it has my real name's gmail account attached. I tell it to sign in with a different account and it lines up this one. Oh Blogger, you know my secret identities in order! I'm so proud of you.
Tonight we voted on the next wave of Empyrean weapons. Well, weapon. It was close in a way; The split of the vote was basically down to either Kermie's Masamune or no one gets anything at all. I know how I voted, and I now have second thoughts, though I would no matter what.
It came up a bit during Claire's harp trials. There is an assumed debt that has to be paid back to the people who helped us up, so to speak. Everyone contributed to the creation of our weapons but only a few of us wield them, so there have to be certain kickbacks to those who aren't benefiting in the same ways we have.
I know this; it is good politicking. I accept this because I sort of have to. I have to repay what I owe.
The question I've been battling though is how I know that debt is paid. I don't, really. I know how much everyone else worked for the series of weapons we've done and I know how much I've worked for them. It isn't a contest and was never meant to be, but I know the proportions of what was done and I know how much of the line I towed. The implication, as unfortunate as it is, is that my debt isn't paid until everyone who helped me has been helped.
Unfortunately, I cannot abide that. I made as sure as I could possibly be that I did the bulk of the work for myself, at least. I arranged the extra farming in the daytimes, I coordinated the dual-boxes and tri-boxes and farming. I negotiated with outside parties, cooperated with whomever was able and willing.
I cannot agree to enslave myself to that for four more runs at this. It would kill me and the amount of stress and resentment it would accrue wouldn't be fair for any party involved to have to deal with.
Long story short, I guess, is that I voted for Kermie because I felt I owed it to someone to pay things forward and he has the shortest path. I'm considering myself paid in full to the shell after the amount of work I put into what's going to be our fifth Empyrean item. Granted, I missed most of the Kannagi80 stage and some of the farming for my own 80 stage but yeah. I'm considering the other efforts to make up for that.
I feel partly guilty. Tonight could've gone in a much more disappointing way if I'd changed my vote and taken the guiltier option but instead I chose a single person to benefit before wiping my hands. I almost wonder if I should have opted out in the first place.
I can't, though, that's where the guilt comes from. I'm not entirely finished with the Empyrean trees and I know the riot it would create if I shot down someone else's while then working on a second one on my own off-time. It would look bad. It technically IS bad, I guess. I can see how it would be.
I don't know. I guess to a degree I AM copping out? I got mine and now I want to be done? It is a slipper slope. When we initially started, we declared it wasn't going to be a "Wait in line/receive Empy weapon" sort of operation, but I think once we realized that they WERE possible to churn out, everyone cupped their hands together and stuck them out. Not to be mean or resentful or anything about it, but:
Kerm's SAM. Seriously.
Tsiife's MNK. Seriously.
Ramp's DRK. Not even sure which weapon to upgrade, but sort of wanted an upgrade regardless.
I feel bad for Tsiife most, I think. He went out and finished VNMs today for a weapon we're not working on. He has been leveling MNK for a weapon he's not going to own. I think he decided on his own weeks ago that he was getting a Vereth and I feel like a jerk denying him that, but at the same time he can't even make it to events unless they're on the weekend.
I'm not consigning myself to grinding KIs and Cleave parties for someone who is being dual-boxed. I'm refusing, plainly, to be in a position where I'll feel guilty for not spending my afternoons grinding away for someone else's stuff knowing full well they won't even be around for the event where we use the pops. I can't let the Nightblades upgrade something from Chloris slower than TTGL has. No offense, but we have a precedent set. Four of them. No.
Talking to Mai about this out loud now, so the blog gets cheated. Vis a vi.
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